The Closet Ah Lian

A closet ah lian is a true blue ah lian who keeps her ah-lian character suppressed. Given that she grew up in a completely chinese/hokkien speaking family, she prides herself on her air of sophistication that she can exude in front of most people, and her ability to speak impeccable english at times that call for it. Despite her seemingly harmless outlook, she can actually curse like a Hokkien sailor, and she can win a quarrel with a telephone operator from the bank.

She wears jewellery from Tiffany's and carries a mustard colour Braun Buffel wallet, but not Louis Vuitton because she knows that LV is so widely pirated that the public will start to doubt its authenticity regardless of it. Plus, she is not cheap enough to fish a uncle-ish sugar daddy who can afford to splurge on a Chanel Tote for her. That's why she's "in the closet". She selects her brands well, and she picks the total number of pieces that she'll be seen in each time, so that she won't be seen as a brand whore. Afterall, she's a cunning one...not quite like the typical ah lian because this one has actually been to NUS, studied in Arts and Social Science, so she doens't want people to think that she's a brand whore. BUT she is secretly pleased everytime people "OOooh!" at her exquisite taste in whatever branded (or "branded") item that she carries.

She likes her man with a little bit of edge, at least at the first impression. And she finds the ability to reverse the car with just ONE hand guiding the steering wheel, the gangster-ah-beng way, extremely manly and extremely attractive.

She also secretly thinks that Victoria's Secret is branded. Sometimes, she likes to carry her oversized, and super heavy metal studded GUESS bag, just because of the big metal "G" that is prominently displayed on the front flap of the black patent leather bag. It delights her for some reason that even I cannot fathom.

Despite being in love with clothing items from Victoria's Secret and shoes from NINE WEST, she harbours a secret ah-lian urge to shop in This Fashion whenever she passes by one of the local heartland fashion chain, with all the super garish looking clothes and mass produced halter neck tops with metallic buttons. She tries to suppress this urge, and luckily for her, there isn't many This Fashion boutiques around where she lives, or works.

But ever since she quit her lousy sonofabitch job, she started wandering around in the heartland areas, and then she chanced upon this huge-ass This Fashion boutique at where she used to hang out during her Secondary School days. So she took a deep breath, snuck in, and hoped to death that she won't be caught dead shopping in a shop that epitomizes the cheapo Ah-lian fashion. "It's unlikely...she thought to herself, it being in the middle of the afternoon, when everyone is either napping, in school, or at work."

She, the self-proclaimed fashionista cum closet ah lian snooped around in that heartland This Fashion shop, and while she outwardly snorted and wrinkles her nose as she picked up a gaudily coloured tube dress, like she would pick up a fish from the wet-market, she was smiling inwardly to herself.

What's more, there's 50% off the original price tag of $28. Goodness, the ah lian's body quivered with excitement, because dresses with price tags like this, she can buy more sexy bareback mini-dresses (with the super big and unclassy silver buckle)to wear when she go chiong with all her ah lian friends. Then out of the corner of her eye, she spotted an electric blue trio-palette eyeshadow set, which set her heart aflutter. Since there was nobody that she knew around her (because she has always condemned blue eyeshadow when she secretly thinks that they look damn chio), she quickly grabbed one and proceeded to make her purchases.

This closet ah lian then stuffed the content of the "THIS FASHION" bag, into the Victoria's Secret Duffel bag that she was carrying, perched her ELLE sunglasses on her nose, and trooped silently (and quickly) out of the shop, with her secret ah lian desires completely soothed and satisfied.